An unhappy childhood is an understatement in describing my early life.

I was born more than 2 months premature to a mother who was a child herself, and wanted motherhood about as much as the plague, and to a father just out of the Army Air Corps, a man’s man, who was unaccustomed to children and the ways of women.

My mother tried to end the pregnancy several times in several ways, yet I made it. I was left in the hospital incubator for weeks and then given to my very religious grandmother to care for me until my father completed his education.

One of my earliest memories is of being in my crib, late at night with my mother sitting next to me crying, saying over and over again, "Don’t trust men, never get married, and never, never, never have children."

By the age of 5, I was already 25 lbs. overweight, rejected by my dad and being sexually molested by my neighbor. This molestation lasted for the next 6 years.

I learned early that there was something very wrong with my body, with sexuality and with me. I anticipated rejection, especially with men and always felt on the outside looking in. I was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I was different from the religious conservative girls in the strict Seventh Day Adventist school that my grandmother placed me. My life was about trying to please and forever trying to get love and approval, the love and approval that I was certain I could never attain.

I lived in a self-fulfilling prophecy. I had no self-esteem, no confidence and no idea of who I really was. I only know a deep inner pain and need. When the pain escalated and there was no answer to the ever-present question, "Why?" And no one to help me find my way. I would punish myself by cutting my arms or legs, by throwing myself into walls and by hitting and pounding myself until I was bruised. I learned to cook, by age 6 or 7, as a way of taking care of others, to become ultra-aware of adult’s needs and feelings. I learned to fix and cut hair and weekly did my mother's and grandmother's coiffeurs, and even my dad began asking me to trim his hair. I did whatever I could to keep peace and acceptance.

My elementary school days were a living hell. By age 10, I was 100 pounds overweight and the brunt of every joke and mean comment. I felt so alone and hopeless. The daily bus rides were a nightmare and left me in utter helplessness, frustration, anger and tears.

There was no way out, no way to ever become that pretty little princess girl that all daddys love and are so proud of, those pretty little girls that are adored, accepted and good enough.

High school brought a new variety of pain and rejection from boys. I was always there to listen to their problems. I was their "friend" but only away from school and hidden from the other kids.

I was desperate. At age 13 my mother sent me to a doctor that told me "food was my problem and if I stopped eating completely I could be fixed". So he gave me the strongest diet pills made (pure speed). I stopped eating week after week, until my hair began falling out. I would faint to the floor as I tried to get out of bed. I did lose 40 pounds but being significantly bald and hysterical from living on diet pills did nothing to endear others to me or bring me the affection, acceptance, and love that I craved and thought would put an end to the growing pain and self-hate I felt.

I was accepted into college at age 16. I was determined to make something of myself and to unravel my lifetime weight issue. I majored in nutrition at yet another strict religious educational institution. As my fate would have it, I was assigned to a room next to the 2 most beautiful and sexy girls on campus. Also, all of my girlfriends were popular, especially with the young men. Once again I did not measure up and had no idea how to.

The profound loneliness and deep soul ache of feeling disconnected was becoming more than I could bear. I continued looking outside myself for answers. I truly was looking for love in all the wrong places.

The volume was turned up for me the first few days of my senior year. My friend and roommate was murdered by the zodiac killer. A fear gripped the entire campus. But for me this violent and hideous act, happening so close to me, to someone I cared about, hit up against the fears I had lived with for so long. A sense of loss, helplessness and terror choked and paralyzed me. I couldn’t even sleep alone in my own dorm room, and could only sleep in the tiny dorm room of two other friends; the only place for me was on the floor.

Displaced, confused, exhausted and rejected as my 2 friends locked me out of their dorm room. I didn’t know where to turn. My grades had suffered greatly and since I didn’t fit the university's deeply religious image, my key professors wanted to expel me. Now I had an entire organization rejecting. I believed I was the powerless victim.

Then, I was not accepted into graduate school for my Dietetic Internship. My professor’s recommendation was less than glowing and stated that "I was not the kind of person to represent the church, college or dietetic program: With each experience of rejection I felt like I was dying.

My searching continued, only now I explored spiritual solutions. I studied yoga, the I Ching, the Bible, read Siddartha by H. Hesse, began meditating and prayed a lot. A light began to dawn somewhere inside…perhaps I did have the power to turn my life around, to stop the inner insanity of self doubt, self loathing, fear and pain. But how to access that power?

My days of heartbreak and rejection, were not over, however, as I fell, crashed really, into "love". Basically, I collided with a man that meshed with my negative beliefs and patterns regarding men and relationships. He was a combination of my father and my grandmother. On a vacation in Mexico, he met another woman and left me sitting on a sand dune and went off with her.

When I did see him again he said he loved me but did not like me. And therefore, decided to go forth into the world and find his new life. He was the "one and only" and with this new and very personal rejection, I did want to take my life.

I was drowning in hopelessness, never feeling loved and accepted. I was bound by the weight of oppressive, ever present crushing panic. For days I lay under an immense oak tree, where the branches touched the ground forming a dark hiding place, where I writhed and cried in existential agony---- feeling a major amplification all of the hurt, wounds, self hatred utter hopelessness of my childhood and life. It was my dark night of the soul and I was losing the battle.

I was going to walk off in the sunset with this man; he was going to take the pain away, save me from myself and mountain of negative thoughts, beliefs, and habits and experiences I carried around in my protectively plump body. I looked in vain for another man that I felt the same kind of feelings and connection with. Over the next few years I found myself in several other relationships with emotionally unavailable men that either slept around, or tried to seduce my roommates behind my back, or became very mean, attacking and disrespectful---- rejection all the same. That so familiar feeling, that I believed was just how my life and relationships were to be. No escape, no way to have any other experiences.

After a particularly hurtful break-up (truthfully, I was dumped and dumped hard), I decided to go to Hawaii for a 3 day getaway. I had just met my second cousin and her husband. They very graciously invited me to stay with them if I ever made it to Honolulu. Little did they know it would be so soon. They embraced me, accepted me and invited me to stay longer. Their family life and dynamic was different than any I had experienced. They talked, sat together after dinner and played music. There was no TV, the children’s ideas and thoughts were important and respected. They included me and let me into their family.

One day sitting on the beach at Hanauma Bay, a voice, a clear insistent voice said to me, "This is where you belong! You will find your path here." I turned around to see who had spoken to me. There was no one. I knew Spirit had spoken.

I was in my Master’s program, almost complete in my Masters in Family Counseling Certificate (MFCC). I stayed in Hawaii and never looked back. I had felt that I was not learning what I needed to help me out of my pain, or to help anyone else for that matter.

I knew I needed a new understanding of myself, men and relationships. This new awareness led me to Sondra Ray, the Loving Relationship Training and my first Breathwork experience. She introduced me to Paul and Layne Cutright, seminar leaders and Breathwork practitioners extraodiniare.

I surrendered myself to their guidance, healing energy, wisdom and leadership training. Paul and Layne created a 6 month intensive personal growth program, Empyrean Foundation of Hawaii and the Virtual University Enlightened Partners.com. They assisted me in letting go of the deep abiding pain I had lived with for so long, helped me to live my dreams, to open my creative energies, claim my personal power, and connect with my spiritual self. I worked with and formed an eternal friendship with Paul and Layne.

Out of my healing work with Paul and Layne I met a wonderful man, William Noyes. He helped me to trust again, to believe I am worthy of love, respect, affection and attention. Together we have supported each other in breaking our negative beliefs about relationships and worked to unravel the negative unconscious patterns of thought and behavior that were formed in our early experiences, traumas, and disappointments. Out of our committment to healing the past, our life together has been a joyful, mutually respectful, love-filled, grand adventure.

We have lived in Hawaii, Greece, Italy, and the Wine Country of California. We now are back In Hawaii, on Oahu’s North Shore. We continue to use and practice all of the methods, tools and techniques that I teach. But, most importantly, we practice deep and regular communication, Heart to Heart sharing, daily expression of our love and respect and honor our uniqueness and individuality.

Thank you for reading My Story. Please know it is far from over. It is an ongoing journey of love, learning and joy.